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A Prison of Belief at Boston Sports Clubs

This post originally appeared on Yelp. If you like my reviews, follow me for more snarky points of view.

I just watched the documentary Going Clear: Scientology and the Prison of Belief, and in it I learned a lot of things about “Sea Org,” the church’s extremely secretive Sailor Moon cult who do the late Hubbard’s evil bidding. What I found fascinating about Sea Org is that they sign “billion-year” contracts, in which they pledge to serve Scientology from beyond the grave and into their future lives. Signing a contract with Boston Sports Club is kind of like signing a billion-year Sea Org contract: You will pay dues until the Sun dies, and longer.

The physical gym that is the Central Square Club is not as bad as you people make it out to be. Let’s be honest, guys: BSC is basically slightly less shitty than Planet Fitness, but costs three times as much. The place is generally clean, and as long as you don’t show up between 4pm and 7pm during the weekdays, it’s not jam-packed with hopeless fatties.

The problem with the Central Square Club (and probably BSC in general, from having read various epic novels on the web about the company) is that nobody working there has any idea what is happening, at any time, about anything. If you were to ask a BSC employee what color the sky was outside, she would tell you that she’d have to ask her manager first. Then she would go into the back room and talk to a cardboard cutout with a sticker on it that says MANAGER, and come back to you to tell you that you need to come back when her manager is in, so you should schedule an appointment. Obliging her incompetence, you would return on the appointed day to speak with her manager about the color of the sky, but it would just so happen that neither the employee you spoke to last nor her manager would be present, so you’d be handed an email address to get your question answered. The Twitter bot at the other end of the email would then tell you that she solved your problem, and that the color of the sky is green: however, knowing this to be false, you would question her, and she would in turn have to consult with CORPORATE, a dialogue the resolution of which will take approximately 1 business day longer than the shelf life of the planet’s ozone layer.

In summary, it is better to go to prison and work out there than it is to open a membership with BSC. At least in prison you are released once you serve your time.

Boston Sports Club Central Square
625 Massachusetts Ave, Cambridge, MA 02139
https://goo.gl/maps/sBGu3S5wcdz


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