Yay! Abrams delivers slipshod TV triteness on the big screen once again! And now we have a sullied Trek legacy to look forward to. Thank you J.J., love and kisses! Here are 22 reasons why the movie that endeavors to call itself Star Trek utterly fails.
1. Time travel. It’s kind of like playing the Nazi card in an argument. Once you’re there, we know you got nothing left.
2. A flimsy, needlessly complicated plot that requires the Architect from The Matrix to explain in under three minutes, because if it took any longer, we’d realize it makes absolutely no sense. Plain old lazy screenwriting, if you ask me.
3. Sentimentality. How many fathers and mothers need to die before you think sheer sentimentality will distract me from the bogus time-travel plot? I know there’s this “backstory” for this whole horrible “2.0 universe” that originates with this comic, forking off Star Trek Nemesis. But we Trekkies aren’t allowed to judge this film in the context of the greater Star Trek universe, right? This is a reboot—an alternate reality, yeah? We have to analyze this movie without referring to a comic that nobody knows about, correct? Well apparently nobody told Abrams. Do we NEED more Romulan badguys? Did Abrams even watch Star Trek Nemesis? Hello: it sucked. I’d rather watch the whale movie again.
3. A sneak-attack supernova.
4. LAME Romulan badguys. A lamer badguy than Darth Vader in the Star Wars prequels. How dare you even attempt to compare Nero to Khan! The guy looks like a Wiccan tattoo artist and his name is NERO. Of all the Roman names to choose from, Nero? Really?
5. Sensationalism. Bullshit that a film can’t succeed if it has to “appease the fans.” Maybe this is true financially, but we have yet to even find out. The simple fact of the matter is that every Hollywood reboot that’s been put out in the past ten years (with the exception of Batman Begins and its sequel, which arguably adheres to the spirit of the Dark Knight more than it ever departed from it) is trash for the simple fact that Hollywood refuses to appease the fans. (I’m looking at you, Marvel). Of course, it’s silly to bring this up because Hollywood isn’t interested in making good movies, it’s only interested in making cash off a sheepish, “Lost”-induced audience.
6. Forgettable dialogue. Not a single memorable line and you’re working with some of the richest characters in scifi history. Too many one liners borrowed shamelessly from the classics. How dare you have Nero yell “Spooock!” in a pale imitation of Khan, who manages big screen gravitas across the ages, despite man-boobs and a Conan the Barbarian fur coat.
7. Senseless militarism. Yeah, let’s shoot at Nero when he’s already imploding and completely defenseless for absolutely no reason! Go peace-loving humanist Federation!
8. A sneak-attack supernova.
9. Hand-holding. How many times do we have to be reminded that Spock has emotional problems because he’s half-human, and Kirk is a indefatigable jackass? And that they’re destined to be bestest buddies even though they hate each other for 95% of the film? We get it already, stop TELLING and start SHOWING.
10. Canon flip-floppery. You can either jettison the canon or stick to it. There’s no inbetween: if this is an alternate reality created by time travel (via the Many Worlds Theory) or traveling through a black hole into a parallel universe (whichever, because it’s never made clear), then this isn’t Trek anymore. It’s Abrams “Trek.” You can’t have it both ways.
11. Uhura. McCoy. Scotty. Disgraceful caricatures of their classic counterparts. Perfect cardboard cutouts for The Next Generation of gee-whiz scifi and endless remakes. Wait, did I just see a Star Trek prequel or Starship Troopers? I don’t remember.
12. Sneak-attack black holes. Yes, multiple ones. Do I really need to explain this? Any self-respecting Star Trek fan would understand why this is ridiculous.
13. “Red matter” ahahaha.
14. Roller coasters. How many times is Kirk going to fall to his death or teeter on the brink of destruction? We just stop caring after awhile. He’s an indestructible jackass. We get it. That’s all there is to Kirk in Star Trek 2.0. Besides, there’s not much time for chitchat (i.e., character development) when everything’s exploding every ten seconds.
15. Insincerity. Total failure to elicit even slight nausea when Nero drops the Khan-bug into Pike’s mouth. Good job completely failing there with cheap imitations of the real thing.
16. Star Wars reboot cartoon aliens. How did the aliens from the Mos Eisley Cantina find their way aboard the Enterprise?
17. Sneak attack supernovas!
18. Plot holes. Okay so why did Spock not just explain the situation to Heroes Spock in the first place? Yeah, don’t try to explain it. Yoda, like Abrams, acts in mysterious ways.
19. That Hoth beast. It was designed after the muscles in a rectum. I’m not kidding, read the article in Wired. The artist actually studied assholes to design its lovely, tentacled mouth. Too bad Kirk missed Luke on the way down to Yoda/Spock’s ice cave.
20. Young Kirk. Kirk is just a jackass with an entitlement complex, plain and simple. We have no reason to applaud his so-called heroism, or ever take him on his word, because he never earns it. There’s nothing at stake for Kirk, unlike Heroes Spock, whose parents get dangled before us every other scene.
21. Shallowness. No larger moral consequence. No spiritual underpinnings. Basic Trek essentials, blatantly lacking.
22. Thematic emptiness. Zero philosophy, zero emotional appeal. Yeah I know, this ain’t Gene Roddenberry, may he Rest in Peace. Just shut up and watch the sexy explosions.
Hopefully there won’t be a sequel, but see you next time in case there is.